Wednesday, February 26, 2014

WHY????? By Angel

I set her by her hospital bed that has been brought into her bedroom to make her feel more comfortable. She looks so pale and weak. It blows my mind how cancer can spread like wildfire within days, weeks, and even months

We are watching the Vow together. She loves that movie, but I think she just wants to look at a hot guys ass. She say "Angel go in my jewelry box and get my wedding ring, please". I go and get it for her. It is a beautiful thick yellow gold wedding band. When I hand it to her she stops me and says no sweetheart! I want you to have it. When you are ready to get married I won't be here so I want this to be your wedding ring. You know baby... so you can always have a piece of me with you everyday for the rest of your life. I try so hard not to cry in front of her. She hates tears, and I mean she hates tears. Then I tell her how much I love her and that I will see her tomorrow.

When I go to her house, she has had a stroke. She isn't talking and she is just moaning. I panic and start to cry my eyes out. I can't breath, I am suffocating and I think I am dying. My chest feels like it is going to cave in at this very moment. I run down the stairs and he gives me a paper bag, so I can breath in. Once the air come back to me and I can breath again I start to yell and scream. I have my hands on the collar of his shirt and I am screaming in his face while tears are running down my face. I need her to look at me. I need to tell her that I love her. I need her to know how much I will miss her. I need to tell her that I don't hate her for leaving me soon. To tell her that I understand why she has given up her fight. He tells me to take this pill and go lay down for a minute then go home and get some sleep so I can visit her again tomorrow.

They called me and told me to hurry my butt up and come see her, because she is wake and talking. So I brushed my teeth and ran to her house, I didn't even brush my hair. I didn't care! I was just so excited to hear her voice again. When I go there she was laughing, joking, and being the stubborn silly ass women she is. I laid on the bed with her and we started talking about how we were going to get my boyfriend to propose to me, as she pinches his ass. She was always sassy and had a thing for cute butts. I was so freaking happy, she is finally coming around. I think we are going to beat this I told her. I told her that she needed to stop laying around her like a bump on a log and get make to sewing clothes and making blankets. I am so screaming YES in my mind! Take that cancer in your mother f-ing face!!! Then I kissed her on her forehead told her again how much I loved her. I brushed her hair made her look pretty then whispered in her ear, telling her that I will see her sexy ass tomorrow after work.

This day was the worst day of my life. I have to go to work but I have this feeling in my gut that I should call off. I am always so worried about pissing my boss off, so I go to work anyway. Around 10am my mother calls me and tells me to come home as soon as I can, she has taking a turn for the worst and the doctor said it won't be long. I finally get to leave around 11am. I race home, speeding needing to touch her one last time and tell her how much I love her and to say goodbye before it is to late. I pull up and park the car in front of her house and there are so many cars here. As I am walking up the driveway my mother comes out of the house with tears in her eyes and tells me that I am too late. She says " I am so sorry baby girl she is already gone. I drop to my knees and cried, asking god why and the hell did he take her away from me so soon. I pulled myself together and went home. 
I crawl into his lap and yell while tears run down my face telling him that this is not fair at all. That this has to be a dream, that she can't really be gone. Then his phone rings, it is my mother telling me to come an say my goodbyes before they take her away. I set there looking at him as if he has lost him damn mind. So I ask him to come with me because I know I am not strong enough to go by myself. So we go and I have the tightest grip on his hand I can him in groan, but he doesn't say a word. Then we get to her bedroom door and I start to cry, I am crying so hard that I am starting to shake like crazy. Then I go to turn to doorknob and stop turn to him and tell him to give me a min I have to do this on my own. He gives me a sad smile then kisses me on my forehead then says ok baby whatever you need.
I go into the room and close the door behind me. As soon as I see her face I am sobbing like a baby. I go to her and take her hand, I tell her how beautiful she is and that she can finally see him again. She can see her parents and everyone else that has passed away. But at the same time I am so pissed off that she is gone and I want her back so damn bad. I am the worst selfish bitch in the world, I should be happy that she is in a better place and no longer hurting. Man what is wrong with me! I bend down and kiss her on her forehead and tell her that I love her so much and that I will miss her so freaking bad.

I am at the door and I turn to look at her one last time, then I leave the room and close the door behind me. I am so pissed that she was taken away from me. Why? Why? I am pissed at her for not holding on just 5 more minutes. I am in his face yelling at him, cause I need to take my anger out on someone. Then he takes my face in both his hands and says Angel she went while you were gone because she knew you would of never let her go. She waited for you to go to work, so you could breathe and not stress about her for a few. She was ready and she knew how much you loved her. She was ready baby and you will hurt for while a long while but you are stronger than you think and it is ok to miss her like crazy everyday.

So here it is almost 2 years since she was taken away from me. I feel her everywhere still, I can still smell her. When I am sad I can hear her say. Now Angel you are stronger then that! I didn't name you after me for nothing! So suck it up and never let them see you cry. Then when I look down at my right ring finger I just set and look at her and her mother's wedding ring. I will treasure this ring for the rest of my life because that is all the I have left of her and I wear it every single day.

So I put a kiss in the palm of my hand and blow it into the air. I cant physically kiss her, but I can still blow her kisses. I still sit here sometimes and ask why her? Why was she taken from me?

No comments:

Post a Comment